You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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