if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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