I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
