new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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