So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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