I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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