apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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