sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
