I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
