My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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