I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
