My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
