In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
