i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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