And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
