im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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