Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
