I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
