Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
