You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
