Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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