how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
