I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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