I should be sponsored by Trojan
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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