Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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