Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
