So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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