He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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