What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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