I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
