I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
