oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
