Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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