At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
