He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
