Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
