it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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