was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
