Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
