was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
