god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
