Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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