he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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