i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize