I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
