Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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