if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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