You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
be right there i have to get my cape
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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