If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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