if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
