if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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