I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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