That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
