My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
