so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just invented taco cereal.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
