I met the friendliest cop last night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
