my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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