How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
