There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
